I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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