OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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