I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
