OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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