I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
