Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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