Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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