put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
