i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
