ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
