Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I need to calm my uterus...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
