My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
