it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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