so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
