More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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