you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
