Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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