I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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