sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
