Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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