I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
