This is not my ceiling
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
there was a trapeze. enough said
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
