why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
