I think im going to throw up on grandma
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
