So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
