You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
