Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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