My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
