Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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