so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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