just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
