I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
