apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
