How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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