Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
