youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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