I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
