erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
