Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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