Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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