I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
