Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
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