Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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