Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
