So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
