I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
