Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
