He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
