This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I want to be your penis for a week.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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