She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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