dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
