If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
